Today

Life is going fairly well. I still feel like I have a lot to do but I'm grateful to be working again. I had a wonderful weekend. I had the best night's sleep on Saturday night I had in over two years. Things with Matthew are going well he is adjusting to being in my home. Tomorrow starts today at a new day care and I’m nervous. I never thought being mommy would be still nerve-racking or so tiring. I'm still learning. And I'm by no means perfect at this I fully expect to cry tomorrow when I drop him off at daycare. After I have my nice long drive, but I'm enjoying my morning commute. Although if I don't get there in time the bus situation in the district makes it hard to be on time.

Matthew is asleep and hard for me not to watch him sleep, swimming, said his most precious. I have a home visit tomorrow with DSS and expect to get more answers than. The visits always make me nervous even though they go well. I have several events upcoming and I'm really looking forward to. Grad class who may or may not be one of them. I start again on Tuesday and it will make for a very busy week. I've only gotten to see my grandmother once, and she's been in Colorado so I hope to go up again this next weekend. There are also some SCA events on the horizon I would like to attend. Little lone the fact I haven't been to church in three weeks now due to my busy schedule and I'm really excited to see the new building.

I went to a shooting class a couple of weeks ago. It was a lot of fun. I think I may go back and take a few more private lessons but I do not intend to buy a gun. It's a fun step to see what your hobbies are. I've never really had them. So I'm looking at all different avenues trying boxing and I’d like to get into fencing. Though right now with being mommy, a full-time para, and a grad student where do you find the time?

The people in my life have greatly helped me in the last year and no more than with Matthew of late. I find there are no words to express how grateful I am for everything. Nonetheless, I will try and thank each of you for all that you've done for us. There are few people that I need to catch up with and if you're reading this you're probably one of them. I have been incredibly busy but that is no excuse and I hope to talk to each of you soon.

Wishing each of you a great night.

Today

Life is going really well right now. Yesterday I went to the renaissance faire and spent way too much money but had so much fun. We even rode an elephant! It’s too bad there is no photographic evidence. I was the one who panicked Zoe did just fine and Matthew loved it. While there I bought several things about a puzzle ring, a black rose, a full belly dancing outfit, a pretty hat, and of course the goodies. We'll just north you go up there I even dressed Matthew. I got multiple column limits on how cute my child was which also makes me very happy. When we got back into Colorado Springs I watched the second Star Wars, original Star Wars movie, I find I like them more I thought I would.

Next week I have two job interviews one is in Air Academy High School and the other is at Falcon High School. I know when the job at Falcon High School is and I'm hoping to get it. Excited about the prospects in general but most excited to be going to school. I start in a couple weeks in August.

I want to thank my friends who've been in the past year I'm part of a wonderful household in SCA, other classmates at UC CS, and my church families. Everyone was helpful me through this difficult stage life amazing. My hope is that they can see the person they have helped to heal. Having Matthew has been a real eye-opener and again the health has been invaluable.

The goals and in the beginning of the year are slowly coming to fruition. I don't know that I'll run in a marathon this year but my hope is to at some point. As for self-defense am working on two different things and I'm super excited they seem like great hobbies.

I hope you enjoy my random grouping of notes and I will continue to update you on how things are going. "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present."
— Bill Keane

Today

Something took me back a couple of steps yesterday that I did not expect. I found my former husband is with someone new; I don't understand why this took me back a few steps I've always known he would. Yet I found myself playing in the pool at the Y with his Niece (my informant) and my nephew. The innocence of children came through when she said if we were still married she could play with Matthew, among many other comments. I called and congratulated him while he was at work I knew he would not answer his phone. I genuinely meant that I hope he's happy in life. Yet today I'm sick at my stomach, I think this is more because he's moved on and I haven't. I’ve never struggled to get attention from men I struggle to keep it or want it.

I have taken on quite a lofty goal with my nephew and there's a lot of this I wonder if I've done the right thing. His mother gets out of rehab this coming Friday and she saying good things. I think he will go home sometime between his third birthday and my 26. Then my life will become its new normal but I will miss him terribly. I want to start dating again it's harder in my current situation but it can wait a few months I'm enjoying my nephew. If something comes along and want to be open to it. Today is a busy day and as I begin this process working on myself I look to the day that I will have a relationship that will be respectful, honest, tender, and devoted.

The thing I miss the most about being in a relationship is the person that keeps me in bed at night. Most people who know me know I fidget. With the person next to me I am able to stay in bed and usually sleep through the night. I don't want a relationship with George that clearly didn't work were toxics for each other. I was the only woman he's ever hit and frankly I was pushed way too far in terms of my sanity. Complements are not something that I except gracefully. When I'm told him beautiful I wonder if the guy is blind. When I told I’m intelligent I wonder if they've looked at my college transcripts. When I'm told I'm a nice person I wonder if they think the same if they really knew me. So obviously working on myself is a big priority as these are all things I truly believe about myself. I think maybe if I said I'm beautiful, I'm intelligent, and I am a good person it would be easier to let somebody else in.

I have no room for crutches at this point I need to be able to run free; I need to start focusing on today. As the old saying goes yesterday in the past, tomorrows a mystery, and today is called a present. There is a lot of uncertainty over the next several months but if I take it day by day things will go much more smoothly.

Tomorrow

Today starts a New Year and probably a new me. I am 25 year old woman who is just discovering the possibilities. Divorce consumed some much of my time and came to define who and what I was. That person is not who I wanted to be, Today I want to be me. I am very happy right now though self discovery is not something that I am good at. Taking care of others is how I have defined myself.

In the New Year I have many goals; my resolutions are:
1. I want to run in a marathon
a. This will show me how far I can go
b. It will be fun
c. It will aid it my physical healt
d. The weight loss will be a fringe benefit
2. I want to explore further ways in self defense
a. These take discipline and control. I believe I have both of these things but these skills can be sharpened
b. I firmly believe that a woman can protect herself, should know how, but should never half to.
3. Time management skills
a. These are something I do stink at.
b. Learn to prioritize
c. Not take on so much
d. Taking time for me is ok.

Hardships: something that I have grown grateful for in the past year. There are several that mark it.
1. The divorce
2. Pat’s passing
3. My dad’s open heart surgery
4. The issues with my mother
5. The general dysfunction in my family
6. The migraine headaches

Though the hardships have seemed to define the past year I need to point out the things I am grateful for; the blessings.
1. My relationship with God and the recovery of that.
2. The Divorce Care class
3. The fact my father got better
4. I am healing from the divorce
5. I got to say goodbye to Pat
6. The people that have come into my life
7. The friends I have
8. I feel like I’m on the right path
9. I like my job.

Blessings to each of you in the New Year!

Today

I am struggling again. What a surprise. The divorce was no true shock to me and at several points I really wanted it. The very admission makes me feel like a bad person but yet it seems like I cannot let go of this man. I found out about his new relationship on Facebook and they both lead me to believe something else. I felt betrayed and in many ways I hate them both. I did not feel as though I had a life worth living. This all makes me feel like less of a person. I am struggle to find the pieces little lone pick them up.

I start a divorce recovery group this weekend but my choices have not been the best. Funny a song by Kesha “Your love is My Drug” comes to mind. I am starting to wonder about why I seem addicted to this man who causes me a lot of pain. In the mean time there is another man who I have a mild crush on. I have no idea how to handle this. If he actually knows I am interested then he is not. If he doesn’t how do I proceed if at all. How fair is it to try and start a relationship with someone when you not healed from the past?

Yesterday

I did not sleep last night or rather limitedly. I am very sad and wondering if that will ever go away. On top of everything else I know feel betrayed by someone I know. Yesterday I wish I didn’t have the feeling of I have to know as today I know and it has really helped. It was no revelation I felt like I had to have a definite answer so I was not crazy. He is not alone but I am it no surprise it his pattern. The question is why did something I knew was likely to happier and the later intuition of who it was with hurt me so. This seems silly in so many was but I cannot let it get to me; it is done, that the joy of the past it cannot be changed.

I really hope this makes me strong and able to move forward in a good way. I am going to have yet more trouble trusting men. I am the only one who can change that though; I start counseling today and am thinking about meds. I really don’t want to go the route of the latter. I am sad but I am hoping that every day I put that a little more behind me. I have fears of being 80 and alone with a bunch of cats but I keep reminding myself yesterday does not determine tomorrow.

Please pray for healing for everyone evolved and strength for those who are helping to hold me up.

Today

Written a few days ago with no net. My Great Aunt has passed.

I began my classroom observation today. The classroom I am in is for students with higher needs, I felt a lot of compassion for the students. One of the little ones seems to be a non verbal and smiles all of the time. He was a bright light in my day along with many of the other students. I believe I am on the right track with this discipline but am not sure. Self doubt is a place that I live these days and I have been put into a position that I am not sure of anything. Currently I am trying to grasp God and not let go. This is easier said than done.

I saw something on TV tonight in which a man was having a heart attack and his wife was standing next to him in tears and it allowed me to let out a few tears. I am trying to deal with the fact that he simply doesn’t want me anymore though it is a hard reality. He is moving on already and it hurts me to believe that I was more of a burden then a blessing. Currently I count it as a good day when I get up and am productive that day but my “to list” is a mile long even as I type I feel as though I get no rest. Sleeping almost seems pointless except for the fact that I am less able to manage my life without it. I am still getting used to my not our. Endless questions fill my head but the biggest of which is why did he do this to me/us.

Anyone reading this please pray for a job for me that will be fulfilling, my dad’s recovery, and my great aunt who is nearing death.