Today

Something took me back a couple of steps yesterday that I did not expect. I found my former husband is with someone new; I don't understand why this took me back a few steps I've always known he would. Yet I found myself playing in the pool at the Y with his Niece (my informant) and my nephew. The innocence of children came through when she said if we were still married she could play with Matthew, among many other comments. I called and congratulated him while he was at work I knew he would not answer his phone. I genuinely meant that I hope he's happy in life. Yet today I'm sick at my stomach, I think this is more because he's moved on and I haven't. I’ve never struggled to get attention from men I struggle to keep it or want it.

I have taken on quite a lofty goal with my nephew and there's a lot of this I wonder if I've done the right thing. His mother gets out of rehab this coming Friday and she saying good things. I think he will go home sometime between his third birthday and my 26. Then my life will become its new normal but I will miss him terribly. I want to start dating again it's harder in my current situation but it can wait a few months I'm enjoying my nephew. If something comes along and want to be open to it. Today is a busy day and as I begin this process working on myself I look to the day that I will have a relationship that will be respectful, honest, tender, and devoted.

The thing I miss the most about being in a relationship is the person that keeps me in bed at night. Most people who know me know I fidget. With the person next to me I am able to stay in bed and usually sleep through the night. I don't want a relationship with George that clearly didn't work were toxics for each other. I was the only woman he's ever hit and frankly I was pushed way too far in terms of my sanity. Complements are not something that I except gracefully. When I'm told him beautiful I wonder if the guy is blind. When I told I’m intelligent I wonder if they've looked at my college transcripts. When I'm told I'm a nice person I wonder if they think the same if they really knew me. So obviously working on myself is a big priority as these are all things I truly believe about myself. I think maybe if I said I'm beautiful, I'm intelligent, and I am a good person it would be easier to let somebody else in.

I have no room for crutches at this point I need to be able to run free; I need to start focusing on today. As the old saying goes yesterday in the past, tomorrows a mystery, and today is called a present. There is a lot of uncertainty over the next several months but if I take it day by day things will go much more smoothly.