I did not sleep last night or rather limitedly. I am very sad and wondering if that will ever go away. On top of everything else I know feel betrayed by someone I know. Yesterday I wish I didn’t have the feeling of I have to know as today I know and it has really helped. It was no revelation I felt like I had to have a definite answer so I was not crazy. He is not alone but I am it no surprise it his pattern. The question is why did something I knew was likely to happier and the later intuition of who it was with hurt me so. This seems silly in so many was but I cannot let it get to me; it is done, that the joy of the past it cannot be changed.
I really hope this makes me strong and able to move forward in a good way. I am going to have yet more trouble trusting men. I am the only one who can change that though; I start counseling today and am thinking about meds. I really don’t want to go the route of the latter. I am sad but I am hoping that every day I put that a little more behind me. I have fears of being 80 and alone with a bunch of cats but I keep reminding myself yesterday does not determine tomorrow.
Please pray for healing for everyone evolved and strength for those who are helping to hold me up.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Today
Written a few days ago with no net. My Great Aunt has passed.
I began my classroom observation today. The classroom I am in is for students with higher needs, I felt a lot of compassion for the students. One of the little ones seems to be a non verbal and smiles all of the time. He was a bright light in my day along with many of the other students. I believe I am on the right track with this discipline but am not sure. Self doubt is a place that I live these days and I have been put into a position that I am not sure of anything. Currently I am trying to grasp God and not let go. This is easier said than done.
I saw something on TV tonight in which a man was having a heart attack and his wife was standing next to him in tears and it allowed me to let out a few tears. I am trying to deal with the fact that he simply doesn’t want me anymore though it is a hard reality. He is moving on already and it hurts me to believe that I was more of a burden then a blessing. Currently I count it as a good day when I get up and am productive that day but my “to list” is a mile long even as I type I feel as though I get no rest. Sleeping almost seems pointless except for the fact that I am less able to manage my life without it. I am still getting used to my not our. Endless questions fill my head but the biggest of which is why did he do this to me/us.
Anyone reading this please pray for a job for me that will be fulfilling, my dad’s recovery, and my great aunt who is nearing death.
I began my classroom observation today. The classroom I am in is for students with higher needs, I felt a lot of compassion for the students. One of the little ones seems to be a non verbal and smiles all of the time. He was a bright light in my day along with many of the other students. I believe I am on the right track with this discipline but am not sure. Self doubt is a place that I live these days and I have been put into a position that I am not sure of anything. Currently I am trying to grasp God and not let go. This is easier said than done.
I saw something on TV tonight in which a man was having a heart attack and his wife was standing next to him in tears and it allowed me to let out a few tears. I am trying to deal with the fact that he simply doesn’t want me anymore though it is a hard reality. He is moving on already and it hurts me to believe that I was more of a burden then a blessing. Currently I count it as a good day when I get up and am productive that day but my “to list” is a mile long even as I type I feel as though I get no rest. Sleeping almost seems pointless except for the fact that I am less able to manage my life without it. I am still getting used to my not our. Endless questions fill my head but the biggest of which is why did he do this to me/us.
Anyone reading this please pray for a job for me that will be fulfilling, my dad’s recovery, and my great aunt who is nearing death.
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