I am struggling again. What a surprise. The divorce was no true shock to me and at several points I really wanted it. The very admission makes me feel like a bad person but yet it seems like I cannot let go of this man. I found out about his new relationship on Facebook and they both lead me to believe something else. I felt betrayed and in many ways I hate them both. I did not feel as though I had a life worth living. This all makes me feel like less of a person. I am struggle to find the pieces little lone pick them up.
I start a divorce recovery group this weekend but my choices have not been the best. Funny a song by Kesha “Your love is My Drug” comes to mind. I am starting to wonder about why I seem addicted to this man who causes me a lot of pain. In the mean time there is another man who I have a mild crush on. I have no idea how to handle this. If he actually knows I am interested then he is not. If he doesn’t how do I proceed if at all. How fair is it to try and start a relationship with someone when you not healed from the past?
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Yesterday
I did not sleep last night or rather limitedly. I am very sad and wondering if that will ever go away. On top of everything else I know feel betrayed by someone I know. Yesterday I wish I didn’t have the feeling of I have to know as today I know and it has really helped. It was no revelation I felt like I had to have a definite answer so I was not crazy. He is not alone but I am it no surprise it his pattern. The question is why did something I knew was likely to happier and the later intuition of who it was with hurt me so. This seems silly in so many was but I cannot let it get to me; it is done, that the joy of the past it cannot be changed.
I really hope this makes me strong and able to move forward in a good way. I am going to have yet more trouble trusting men. I am the only one who can change that though; I start counseling today and am thinking about meds. I really don’t want to go the route of the latter. I am sad but I am hoping that every day I put that a little more behind me. I have fears of being 80 and alone with a bunch of cats but I keep reminding myself yesterday does not determine tomorrow.
Please pray for healing for everyone evolved and strength for those who are helping to hold me up.
I really hope this makes me strong and able to move forward in a good way. I am going to have yet more trouble trusting men. I am the only one who can change that though; I start counseling today and am thinking about meds. I really don’t want to go the route of the latter. I am sad but I am hoping that every day I put that a little more behind me. I have fears of being 80 and alone with a bunch of cats but I keep reminding myself yesterday does not determine tomorrow.
Please pray for healing for everyone evolved and strength for those who are helping to hold me up.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Today
Written a few days ago with no net. My Great Aunt has passed.
I began my classroom observation today. The classroom I am in is for students with higher needs, I felt a lot of compassion for the students. One of the little ones seems to be a non verbal and smiles all of the time. He was a bright light in my day along with many of the other students. I believe I am on the right track with this discipline but am not sure. Self doubt is a place that I live these days and I have been put into a position that I am not sure of anything. Currently I am trying to grasp God and not let go. This is easier said than done.
I saw something on TV tonight in which a man was having a heart attack and his wife was standing next to him in tears and it allowed me to let out a few tears. I am trying to deal with the fact that he simply doesn’t want me anymore though it is a hard reality. He is moving on already and it hurts me to believe that I was more of a burden then a blessing. Currently I count it as a good day when I get up and am productive that day but my “to list” is a mile long even as I type I feel as though I get no rest. Sleeping almost seems pointless except for the fact that I am less able to manage my life without it. I am still getting used to my not our. Endless questions fill my head but the biggest of which is why did he do this to me/us.
Anyone reading this please pray for a job for me that will be fulfilling, my dad’s recovery, and my great aunt who is nearing death.
I began my classroom observation today. The classroom I am in is for students with higher needs, I felt a lot of compassion for the students. One of the little ones seems to be a non verbal and smiles all of the time. He was a bright light in my day along with many of the other students. I believe I am on the right track with this discipline but am not sure. Self doubt is a place that I live these days and I have been put into a position that I am not sure of anything. Currently I am trying to grasp God and not let go. This is easier said than done.
I saw something on TV tonight in which a man was having a heart attack and his wife was standing next to him in tears and it allowed me to let out a few tears. I am trying to deal with the fact that he simply doesn’t want me anymore though it is a hard reality. He is moving on already and it hurts me to believe that I was more of a burden then a blessing. Currently I count it as a good day when I get up and am productive that day but my “to list” is a mile long even as I type I feel as though I get no rest. Sleeping almost seems pointless except for the fact that I am less able to manage my life without it. I am still getting used to my not our. Endless questions fill my head but the biggest of which is why did he do this to me/us.
Anyone reading this please pray for a job for me that will be fulfilling, my dad’s recovery, and my great aunt who is nearing death.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Yesterday
Over the years I have allowed myself to gain a lot of weight when I got married I weighed around 125 pounds today I weigh almost 200 . I am unhappy with this yet I have now weighed this much for over two years. I told someone the other day I am not used to being overweight; I got a mirror put in my face (this person has known me for a little while now) I have been overweight. So, I have two options in front of me I can either work to lose the weight or I can become more happy about my body.
As all these concerns come to the front I find that I question myself even more. I wonder who I am and a lot of days I see myself as the fat, unattractive, stupid, and generally useless person. I am beginning to look at myself as a better person though it is hard. I feel like I have Satin whispering in my ear that no you really are all of those things and more. The thing about Yesterday is it is in the past. One has to move forward and cannot live in the past. The reality is I am over weight but I can do something about it.
I am going to start making goals 1. Goal is to lose 50+ pounds. I fell that I will be able to meet this goal and though it may seem superficial its important to me. I am not very good a putting myself first but I hise behind other people. I plan to start every day with prayer then a workout. Wish me luck.
As all these concerns come to the front I find that I question myself even more. I wonder who I am and a lot of days I see myself as the fat, unattractive, stupid, and generally useless person. I am beginning to look at myself as a better person though it is hard. I feel like I have Satin whispering in my ear that no you really are all of those things and more. The thing about Yesterday is it is in the past. One has to move forward and cannot live in the past. The reality is I am over weight but I can do something about it.
I am going to start making goals 1. Goal is to lose 50+ pounds. I fell that I will be able to meet this goal and though it may seem superficial its important to me. I am not very good a putting myself first but I hise behind other people. I plan to start every day with prayer then a workout. Wish me luck.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Today
I have picked to start a blog almost against my better judgment it is not something I would have done a year ago. Negative judgment is something I am terrified of. Today I want to open myself in a way I usually don't and show more dimensions of myself. I will answer almost all questions people have and I’m extremely prone to over-sharing. Today I want to give people a window in rather than a black hole of information.
Today, Tomorrow and Yesterday is very significant to me Yesterday (good or bad) has helped to form me; what I do Today helps shape tomorrow. I have a lot of Dreams for the future, yet they are ever changing. Currently I am going through a very difficult time and am confused. The only constant seems to be that God keeps placing people in my life who want to help OR he gives me people that a sharpening my beliefs and helping me to stay on my walk with him.
I start this blog to give others an insight into myself that I am not often willing to share. My spelling and grammar can be difficult and in turn please do forgive me if some writings are difficult to read. This blog is first and foremost for me though I hope you enjoy the "window" it does open so please feel free to comment.
Sam
Today, Tomorrow and Yesterday is very significant to me Yesterday (good or bad) has helped to form me; what I do Today helps shape tomorrow. I have a lot of Dreams for the future, yet they are ever changing. Currently I am going through a very difficult time and am confused. The only constant seems to be that God keeps placing people in my life who want to help OR he gives me people that a sharpening my beliefs and helping me to stay on my walk with him.
I start this blog to give others an insight into myself that I am not often willing to share. My spelling and grammar can be difficult and in turn please do forgive me if some writings are difficult to read. This blog is first and foremost for me though I hope you enjoy the "window" it does open so please feel free to comment.
Sam
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